Hitorigoto
by Esse
Summary: One side of a conversation. The R rating's more for language than anything else. :þ I was feeling rather vitriolic, what with all the holiday baking... Peanut-butter fudge, breakfast of hyper Esses everywhere!


##  Hitorigoto 

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**Disclaimer: **For once, I don't think I need one =D Let Square *try* 'n prove that this's one a' theirs 

** Notes:** I wrote this late, late at night, while huddled underneath an afghan, a shawl, and a really ugly knitted pom-pom hat thingie. You try t' figure out what's happening. I'm sure I haven't a clue--I was too busy watching the Beanies plot world domination. You've gotta keep an eye on them, ya know? Would *you* want to live in a world ran by Beanies? 

**Warnings: **Language. ^^;; And it's confusing as all get-out. And at the moment, I wanna give everybody great big huggles. It's just the sorta mood I'm in ^_~ ::gets all teary:: Wai! I wuvs you all! Gimme kissies! 

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What's so hard about the words 'I'm sorry'? They're simple; three syllables--a strident shout, a breathless cry, it matters not. 'I'm sorry.' See? Over and done with before you've noticed they've left your mouth. 'I'm sorry,' and better yet, this time it's true. Can you believe it? Would you believe it? Why the hell should I even try? 

How much of their pride should a person have to swallow? As if anything of that nature could be left, once you've been defeated, broken, and left behind as irreparably flawed. 'I'm sorry, so sorry' Oh yeah, like they'd think you were sincere. Too damn arrogant. You've heard it all before. That façade's now carved in stone, and there ain't no one who cares enough to look behind it. 

What do you have to save? We've already established your pride's been ground into the dust. Face? It wasn't yours to begin with. Just confront them, tell them, then let them deal the hell with it. 'I'm sorry.' What do you think they would do? 

Spit on you? Yeah, it's happened before. Ignore you? That'd be worse, wouldn't it? You never could stand being ignored. What kind of validation's possible when no one admits to your existence? And you *do* exist dammit; how many times do I have to stare you in the eyes and persuade you of that? And don't you go giving me that 'I'm sorry' crap now; no one should have to apologize for living. 

Is that what they want? For you to just disappear? Why should you give them the satisfaction? Atonement? Well, sure, you'll need to make amends, but is what you did really so horrible? So you chose the wrong side. Big deal. You were a *mercenary*, for goddess' sake. It could have been any of them. At least you had ambition. 

Hey, I saw you raise your eyebrow at that one. Yeah, I said ambition. What do you expect? They trained you to compete, preached at you, warped you into some twisted version of a perfect cookie-cutter soldier. Is it any wonder you rebelled? Who'd want that kind of life? 

Okay, okay, so *he* would. But I swear, that kid doesn't have a backbone. He sways, he bends; how happy do you think he is? Betcha he wishes he had a cause to die for. I dunno, maybe he's found one; what do you think? 

Yeah, I agree. It's just another form of submission for him. He plays along, but do you think he really *feels* anything? Or is he just going through the motions? 

And you've managed to neatly side-step the issue. I'm not here to talk about him; I'm here for you. That's right; I ain't leaving till we've got this sorted out. Why are you hiding from them? Guilt? That I can understand. But don't you think you'd start feeling better if you just told them? 

Two simple words. And whenever you try to say them, you freeze. That's pathetic; it's just you and me here. Do you think *I'm* gonna judge you? 

Damn. You've got me there. Yeah, I think you're a piece of shit. So? It's not my opinion that matters, is it? You've known what I've thought of you for a while, yes? It's never been my approval you've sought. And no, you've never let me down. It's just the way we are. Can't change what is, my friend. 

Oh, now with the tears. Isn't that manly? You know, I'd expect something like this from one of the others, but I thought I knew you better. Yeah, I know, I know, you're sorry. Damn right you're sorry. Hell, if you go up to them like this, they'll laugh their asses off. 

Think that's better than their hate? Then guess again. You could live with their loathing, their disregard, but could you survive their scorn? Didn't think so. 

Goddess you're messed up! You can stop crying already. You aren't gonna convince me of anything. Sure, you're repentant; go do something about it. Sniveling will get you nowhere. Look, here's a tissue; dry your face, and put on a happy smile. Yeah, that's it. Happy happy happy, we're all so fucking happy. 

Don't start crying on me again! I know it's been a tough couple of months; I've been here to, right? And yes, there's been times I wanted to cry. But I won't. It's for the weak, and I'm not. Weak. Not weak. And neither are you. So we'll just forget that happened, okay? Clean slate. 

Don't you wish. Hasn't that been the problem all along? Whatever happened to forgive and forget? That's why you need to say it. They're not gonna take it for granted. They need to hear the words, even if they don't believe them. You'll have made the gesture, and that counts for something. 'I'm sorry.' See how easy that was? Now you try. 

I couldn't hear you. What are you so afraid of? 

What do you mean, it matters to you? You actually want their forgiveness? I thought this was just a token gesture to relieve your guilty conscience. So that's what the problem is. You *know* there's no way in hell they're gonna forgive you. And it hurts. And so you've figured out that they can't reject you, if you never give them the chance. Even for you, that's some pretty screwed up logic. 

Look, if you don't try, you'll never know. And I'll tell ya what. When you're done, you come back here, and we'll put an end to it, okay? No more gnawing, aching knot in the pit of your stomach. No more puking 'cause you're too tense to hold anything down. No more confusion. No more pain. No more doubts. Don't worry, I'll be right here with you, the entire time. 

I promise. 

"I'm sorry." 

I can't believe you managed to say it. That's--a start. Now why don't you go tell them, huh? Get it over with. 

"I can't." 

You know, I think I believe you. What a shame. So, what are you gonna do? That? I didn't think you'd have the guts. But that's okay; a promise is a promise. I won't stop you. 

Only 

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe you'll be able to tell them tomorrow. For now, let's practice some more. Two tiny words, three simple syllables, a hoarse whisper, a craven keen. Heart-felt, soul-felt, a whimper in the dark of another lonely night, wondering what they're doing Take a breath, move your lips. 

"I'm sorry." 

You have no idea how much. 

##  ~*~ Irresolute Resolution ~*~ 

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**And to the sound of confused silence, the story ended: **heehee, you have no idea how much fun this was! Or maybe it's only the caffeine in me talking ^^;; Anyway, any questions? 

Well, I'll blather on regardless. I was kinda picturing Seif talking to himself. You know, staring into a mirror, prolly the one in the bathroom, hanging on the medicine cabinet. Y'all got one of those, dontcha? My Auntie has a lovely one, all gilt and roses; but then, she took out her medicine cabinet, filled in the hole with dry wall, and used whatever mirror she felt like. Umm, I think that was a tangent. So, Seif's trying to work stuff out. Only it's his reflection that's doing all the talking. That make any sense? Prolly not. 

'Course, this takes place at the end of the game. ::covers her ears to the cacophony of "No Duh!" So, who is it he's trying to build up the courage to apologize to? Squall? All the folks at the Garden? The Galbadian War Widows Society? Actually, it's all of the above. But towards the end, he was thinking more of Rai and Fu (and yes, I know I've given in to that evil, Americanized name. What can I say, I'm a pushover for slick marketing). And if that's who he's really worried about, then the story takes place *before* the quirky fishing scene. Which I have a love-hate thing going with. Sweet heavens, his smile is just *adorable*, but why the hell is he fishing? I mean, I could understand it if *some* kinda hint was given during the game I can picture Squall fishing a lot more readily than I can dear Mr. Almasy 

Whoa, tangent again. 

Feh. Well. Disgusted by my ficcie? [Tell me][1]! Utterly flabbergasted (and ain't that a word to love?) and wanna tell me off for wasting valuable web space? [Shout away][1]! And please remember, there's always the [Let's Commit Esse!][2] fund. Donations have been rather disappointing recently. Trust me, the world would be a much safer place with her locked up in that darling padded room with nothing more than her Seif and Zell keychains and her warped imagination to keep her entertained. 

**Many Thanks:** To all the wuverly people who have reviewed m' other ficcies. Lesse, if'n I remember correctly... I do have a follow up to Err Margin planned. Then again, what I have planned, and what I actually write are polar opposites. The her that died was Rin-Rin--and no, I don't have anything against her ^_~ She's just so much fun to mess with. And an extra warm thankee to Venus, who let me trample daisies in her world. 

   [1]: mailto:essenor2@aol.com
   [2]: http://esse.internations.net/quina.html



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